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Paranoia controls everything.
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When we were young we thought life was a game, but then somebody leaves you and you’re never the same
I see people around me and am curious as to what event contorted their perception in life. Some twisting thoughts in a positive way, others in a negative. Some people are never affected by external factors that can seem to haunt others, myself being excluded from those. I know who I am, that is never the obstacle that needs to be overcome. There are two significant things that have occurred in my life that have thrown my thoughts into a loop. Two things that have changed me, things that have made me aware of the reality of how people can really be, and made me shy away from the ignorance that hung above my being at a point in time. I’m not the only person who has experienced heartache/ let down, and that’s slightly comforting to know. Everyone deals in a different way, and I need to find a healthier way to deal other than letting my thoughts and bad experiences control my life. I want to learn from someone, anyone about how to “let go” and move past things. I want to have a conversation with a kind stranger, or someone that I’ve known for years just to gain wisdom from another soul and share my own. My past haunts me, the future scares me, and sometimes I think that the present is completely pointless because by tomorrow it’s the future and yesterday it was the past (but that’s just my contorted perception). I’ve come full circle in my thoughts and that seems to be the greatest obstacle of all. My brain works overtime and I’m willing to try anything to give it a moment of peace. Soon enough these thoughts will be verbalized in front of another being, and I think that will be my first step in moving forward.
Let’s drive to the countryside, leave behind some green-eyed look-a-likes, so no one gets worried, no.
Let’s drive until we don’t recognize the exit signs and pay in cash for a room with peeling wallpaper and clean pillowcases and a view of the highway. Let’s drink instant coffee and watch bad TV until the sun rises and then close the blinds and tangle ourselves in knots of arms and legs and sheets while the rest of the world wakes up. Let’s walk down blustery streets of strangers and put quarters in the cup of the man playing the guitar. Let’s eat overpriced italian carryout and cheap champagne sitting cross-legged on a motel room comforter. Let’s browse bookstores for hours, reading the same titles again and again but never actually buy anything. Let’s walk to the ocean and dip our toes into the freezing water and laugh as the spray dabbles the cuffs of our jeans. Let’s go to history museums of places we’ve never visited and buy postcards we mean to send but never do. Let’s drink too much caffeine and talk the night away: politics, transcendentalism, saturday night live. Let’s mark a tiny path that is only ours and with a half tank of gasoline and sleepy eyes and fingers entwined, drive and drive and never look back.